As a cystic fibrosis (CF) warrior, I am someone who over the years has been riddled with fear and anxiety
stemming from medical trauma. I couldn’t realize it sooner because I was in survival mode. I had learned
from an early age how to compartmentalize and remove myself from my emotions so that I could focus
on getting through the day or the moment. This was all because growing up with CF invoked such deep
fear in me that sometimes I was paralyzed by it, and the only way around it was not to feel it. Until one
day, fear took over and I stopped all medications and treatments for my CF. I thought, “Why even take
these meds or do my machine when my fate is bounded by an early death already. No matter what I do, I
am going to die early, so why even try?”
But my medical team—especially my pulmonologist and social worker—wouldn’t give up on me. They
encouraged and recommended me to find a therapist to talk to. I was hesitant at the beginning because
my mind was made up. However, over the course of a few months, I opened up and decided to find
someone. Thankfully, I found someone who specialized in PTSD, anxiety and medical trauma. She made
me feel heard and seen. For the first time, I felt I could live and fear could stay.
Week by week I chipped away at the fear that taunted and petrified me. I learned that courage was not
found in the absence of fear, but the action of showing up even when I was scared. So, every day I
commit myself to drinking a cup of courage in the morning to face my fears. I tell fear, “not today.” Some
days it works and other days it’s there lingering like a shadow behind me. Nevertheless, now I know that
I can live with cystic fibrosis, still have a life, and not just exist.
Though fear can inhibit us from dreaming, living and even hoping, we must remind ourselves that
courage is the bridge that will lead us to the life we want to live and the way we see the world. It is my
hope that we can be each other’s cup of courage and when one is low, that we can pour some of ours
into theirs. For what is life without love, and hope without courage?
By: Mao Vang